Diary of The Honorable Jameson Newfellow
January 2, 2011, My first day in Washington
0600 - Had breakfast with Quico Canseco, discussed the possibility of a $1000 a plate fundraiser to start building up my campaign finance war chest.
0800 - Had an appointment with Omar Candalucchi, Financial Advisor, who was going to become my estate planner.
0900 - Meeting with Fontana LaRosa, my prospective stock broker. Met her at the Moonlight Motel and had a productive meeting. Scheduled six more meetings with her, should give us time to get everything done prior to the arrival of my wife.
1000 - Appointment with my makeup and attire advisor to discuss my image and appropriate clothing for my first appearance on the hill.
1100 - Appointment for a final fitting with Francois Maroni, at the VanDeriff Men's Clothing Store.
1200 - Lunch with Henry Forgrave, my assistant, to discuss office appointments and remodeling of my congressional office, and getting instructions on how to get there.
1300 - Meeting at the Kennedy Media Center with a number of lobbyists and advocacy groups. They had booths set up and you could go from booth to booth, receiving a memento of the occasion. I now have three Rollex Watches, a membership in the Washington Health Club, a free week at Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino and a few other little souvenirs.
1400 - Second meeting with Omar to discuss my financial arrangement after retirement, set up a 401Km and purchasing a parcel of worthless land in Arizona which is adjacent to the Cocopah Indian Reservation and may become Casino in the future after I submit the Bill to Congress in three years.
1500 - Spent an hour in conference with Fontana LaRosa and discussed my portfolio. Diverting some congressional funds to start a non-profit organization, to be headed by Fontana, which will be formed to assist researchers in their study of fresh water farming of Lobsters in Lake Erie.
1600 - Invited for drinks at the Congressional Club by Mario DeFestansio, former Congressional Advisor to the Kennedy Family. He is proposing an elaborate memorial to the Kennedy Family to be constructed on the front lawn of the White House. In consideration for my assistance they have offered me an office in a private residence in Georgetown, which could double as a six bedroom residence.
1700 - Used Mario's limo and driver to take me to my Congressional Office. Stopped at the Elbow Lounge for a brief meeting with Carmine Rosario my Secret Service Agent to go over security arrangements for my Welcome To Washington Dinner to be held at the Rotunda Restaurant. I will be the guest of honor and my staff will be paying for the evening as partial repayment for the jobs I have gotten for them.
1800 - Arrived at the Congressional Building in Mario's limo, only to find that it was closed.
1900 - Studying some information given to me by a few lobbyists, and a political action group, my stock portfolio, and my retirement plan as mapped out by Omar. Want to rise early in the morning to find the Congressional Building and my new office. My first appointment is at 0800 with members of the Tea Party, then attending a welcoming lunch hosted by President Obama, then a meeting with my party heads, a meeting with the lobbyist who gave me the Rolex, and then a meeting arranging my week at Mohegan Sun.
PS - Busy times in Washington, working hard to get the job done for the folks back home.
Later on in his career Jameson Newfellow is a candidate to hear - "Will The Defendant Please Rise"
