Went up to my mom's house late this afternoon. Quiet. A small breeze blowing her wind chimes but beyond that... Nothing. Sad. No barking dogs, no TV's blasting away with no one watching, no fire burning in the gas fireplace without a log... all the things that would from time to time annoy me. Oh how I missed them today! The stillness was just so sad. Looked at the clothes in her closet, the orange blouse she would always wear, her favorite shoes. She sure could dress it up! All of it hanging there, motionless, retired.
I had my first good cry in a week. A howling actually. I apologized for a great many things where I think I fell short. I missed her terribly. Terribly. All the great thoughts we've been discussing recently about her lessons of love, humanity, empathy, compassion... had no power suddenly in the hour there. I only missed her. Screw the lessons! I missed her voice, her crooked little smile. I missed the growl in her voice. I missed her rambling on. And if you think I'm bad from time to time, she was the queen of rambling! But it all had purpose hidden deep in the onslaught of words. I hope mine does the same.
I locked up, looked at the pool where my kids and their cousins used to swim in the warm summer sun. The laughter now gone. Sad. I miss her and a time when it was all smiles and a bright future for all. I know the smiles are still there and the future is as bright as ever, but I miss her. The house seemed to miss her. She loved her home. Her home loved her. In the worst of times that house was filled with more love than you can imagine. It's still there, just awfully quiet. Paying it's respects I suppose. I miss you mom. Badly. I didn't know how badly. The person I always went to in times like this... was you. "Experience it, let it pass through you but feel it as it goes, cherish it." That's what you would tell me to do. Well that's what I did today. Felt good. You were right again. And I feel better now sharing it with all of you. Some might call me a fool - too open - too "public." Have at it. I value my friends. There. Done. Tomorrow. Love. Faith. Carry on.
